Well, despite having to move on ridiculously short notice, with a huge dose of help from my brother, I've been able to find a place. It's not great, it's pricier than I can reasonably afford, and it certainly has its issues otherwise, but hopefully it will at least be a place to hunker down for a little while as I catch my breath.
That said, I'd lived here for a year without having felt like I'd truly had time to settle in enough to put a serious effort into a search before it was absolutely essential, so I'm skeptical it will be a quick process. I remain glacially slow.... Sloths would look at me and agonize over the pace of my meandering, sluggish crawl.
It seems the internet at this new place should be operational upon my arrival, but I'm not so sure I will be for at the very least, a few days. Packing and moving may not kill me, but I have a feeling it'll feel like they ought to have by the time I'm done.